tresvanessa

Most of the research that I have come accross in my three years of studying nutrition (as well as all of the time I’ve spent educating myself about how to lose weight) and my personal experience as a weight loss counselor and dieter suggests that there is an *aha!* moment.

That, as much as people do not want to be fat, they will press on with the same behaviors that make them fat until being fat becomes so much more painful than the alternatives (changing behaviors, deprivation of pleasure) that they *click*.

This has happened to me several times over the years. And I see other “gym girls” with the same phenomenon. I can tell because one day I will see them and they will be super fit and lean and looking great. Then a few weeks later they will have put on a few pounds. And then a few months after that they look great again.

Is it too much to ask that once I whittle myself down to where I *love* my look that I find it somewhere within myself to stay there? Well, so far it has been. So what I do is I *click* and I literally work my b*** off. Then I have a stressful week, or I get a cold or something and I start to gain weight/stop caring and eating with abandon.

Then I spend the next few months trying to force that *click*. But ti only seems to come when it wants to.

Or does it?

The trainer from The Biggest Loser (I forget her name) says that she makes her clients write down lists of all the reasons that losing weight/being fit is important to them. And she says that no reason is too shallow/deep/stupid/whatever as long as it motivates that person to make positive changes.

Well, perhaps I am choosing the wrong items for my list. Being healthy? Important, but in the short term *boring*. Being hotter than that other chick who people always say looks like me? Well, as embarrassed as I feel admitting that it definitely makes me want to add an extra 5 minutes to my cardio tomorrow.

So here’s a strategy:

I’m gonna allow myself any and all forms of motivation without judgement no matter how shallow or snobby or “unlike me”.

Cause whatever makes you *click* is what’s gonna keep you working out and eating right and loving your body.

Cause there is one.

Most people are not lazy. Most people know what they *should* be doing.

But I know for me personally, that there are reasons (unknown even to me) why I feel should not reach goals or succeed.

I walked into the gym yesterday and warmed up and stretched and then…..I came face to face with my own reason for not succeeding and I *still* didn’t recognize it. Except that it made me very anxious, and it made me feel hopeless. I started thinking “What should I do?” and “What’s the point, anyway?”

Well, at the very least I know I could do exactly what I did not too long ago to stay in shape. Obviously “what should I do” is not a real question. More like a feeling.

And what *is* the point? I am not technically overweight. My health is not at risk in any concrete or immediate way…And yet I feel like *crap*.

I get that I (and everyone who wants to take care of themselves or make changes) will have to push on through the “why” and “what should I do” questions to get to higher ground. Because they aren’t questions. They are merely bad feelings.

Last year I knew “why” and “what to do”. And that’s not because I was different then. It’s because I did those things. It was because that part of me that tells me all the reasons I should not strive for more is stronger right now than the part of me that just *does it*.

And there is one thing I know for certain: The more you do something the stronger your ability to do it becomes. The more you push on today the easier it will be to push on tomorrow.

And if memory serves me, those voices that say “why” and “what should I do” will slowly fade to nothing more than passing whims.

And you’ll look forward to getting your butt in the gym.

Of course I was exhausted afterwards and read A Spot of Bother for much of the rest of the day. But I met my goal for the second day in a row. And going to the class reminded me that I’m really not all that far away from my goal. And that I don’t really look like Jabba the Hut, except in my imagination anyway.

I’ve often noticed that working out regularly encourages good eating habits. Usually, if I’ve worked hard in the gym I’m not very likely to ruin it with junk food. But if I laid on my bum all day then I figure I might as well have some french fries and and extra glass of wine.

Anyway, I did my cardio today so I’m gonna have some wine tonight. Some wine, some spinach and a hamburger.

I haven’t weighed in yet. Perhaps I will do that tomorrow morning.

When I get to the gym and I am tired the minute I walk in and I’m not really interested in pushing through till I get a pump and am just waiting to go home….that’s when I know I need to work on goal setting.

You need to have a finish line. When working out was such a matter of routine it worked to show up at the gym and think “hmmm…what do I feel like working today?” But right now it’s not working for me.

I decided when I was on the machine doing my 30 minutes of slow steady I promised myself. And I know this is retarded but instead of finishing my light legs like I planned I decided to come home and write out a new program.

Obviously for me the goal of my workouts is going to be 1) to maintain muscle mass, 2) to relieve stress/improve body image and 3) to burn off extra calories.

So I am going to lift weights 4 times per week, using a lactate building circuit.

Sat: Cardio

Sun: Rest

Mon: Circuit 1

Teus: Cardio

Wed: Circuit 2

Thurs: Cardio

Fri: Circuit 3

I can still ad a little cardio at the end of a curcuit if I want to…

I worked as a weight loss counselor for over a year as part of my school work. At the time I used to feel jealous of those women. I know it sounds weird, but at that time I was so fit and worked out so much that I had to give up EVERYTHING in order to lose just a little bit of pudge. I had to count all my calories, count my almonds individually, seldom miss a workout. It wasn’t just that, I had more to lose. I had to keep working that hard or the scale wouls start to creep up a little.

And a client who weighs 300 pounds wouls often have to stop drinking soda, and maybe walk 30 minutes three times a week. I had to run or kickbox for an hour four or five times a week. And I never drank soda anyway.

Now I think: If I feel so horrible with 7 or 10 or 11 extra pounds on me, how must someone feel with a hundred? I know that when I don’t feel good about my weight all I want to do is forget about it. I don’t want to be around fit people in the gym or think about my eating habits or do anything except lay around.

But when I feel good about myself it’s easy to get in the gym. I wait all day to get in the gym. And I have no problem eating my raw broccoli and ODing on veggies. It was easy and fun and I feel proud of myself.

Another thing I used to see a lot is called “all-or-nothing” thinking. And sometimes I catch myself doing it. Saying “Well, I already blew it. I might as well forget about trying to lose weight today.” Or, “I have been laying around all day. What’s the point of going to the gym? It’s pointless to workout if I’m gonna be so sedentary the rest of the time.”

What used to bug me about that was that it was so ridiculously illogical. If you’ve already been laying around opn your behind all day that’s exactly the very reason why you’d NEED to workout. Everyone interested in weight loss needs to work out anyway. It’s just faulty logic. But when you feel like crap, you just want an excuse for not doing things that highlight those awful feelings. Like focusing on your body. And unrestrained eating and sleeping/vegging makes those awful feelings go away for a moment.

I used to tell my clients to focus on behaviors and not on weight. For example, say “I want to workout 4 times per week and eat plenty of fruits and veggies this week” instead of saying “I need to lose five pounds this week”. We know that eating fewer calories and exercising more will make you lose weight. That’s a fact. But it may not give you the results you are looking for right away and  most of us are very easily discouraged.

And most overweight people are depressed in my experience. Just like me. If you are depressed and you stop taking care of yourself than you just start to sink. You care less about your priorities. You lose sight of your goals. You just want to feel better, weither your way of self-soothing makes you worse off or not. You dig yourself into a hole, and it is complicated and difficult to climb out.

Here is what I want to do to climb out of my funk this week:

I already promised Dr. B that I would visit the gym 4 times this week and I have already missed 2 days. So I want to go to the gym each day this week. Today I will do a light leg workout and 30 minutes of cardio. I also want to limit my laying down time. Therefore I will not get into bed again today until after my workout (and then just for a little nap if necessary). I have already made positive changes to my diet. I want to continue focusing on eating 2/3 veggies and fruit. And I want to focus on self care. Meaning doing my hair and makeup and getting dressed and painting my toes and just focusing on the things I like about myself. I need to get going.

Positive change never comes from self loathing in my experience.

So I’m gonna take my own advice this week.

I had an emotional day. I am going to a support group and it was just emotional. I don;t know if that has anything to do with it.

But I ate:

2 Chicken strips

2 HUUUUUGE bowls of peanut butter puffins

A full size candy bar

2.5 glasses of wine

Ack!!! I’m afraid to get on the scale this morning. I’m not going to. I’m also still not feeling well, so IDK if I will be going to the gym today either. So far today I am not hungry and have had a yogurt and a cheese stick and a piece of bread.

I know I need fruit, veggies and protein but I don’t want it right now.

Two things that come up as me feeling fat: When Jim touches me or looks at my body I feel fat and it makes me not want to be close to him.

My ex (who is also my ex best friend) sent me a text to tell me he was in town. He is marries now and his wife will not allow him to see me or speak to me. I wasn’t allowed to attend his wedding. Anyway, he taught me how to lift weights. I feel like I don’t want him to see me. I know I’ve only gained about 10 pounds at most, but I’m sure I’ve lost plenty of muscle. I seriously would see my former best friend who I haven’t seen in at least two years and be worrying about looking fat the whole time.

This reminds me of when I was 15/16. I was soooo self conscious. I sometimes would cut school or otherwise avoid going out in public because I looked too bad, or because I was too fat.

Now I avoid social events and avoid watchich certain movies and avoid being intimate with my SO because I feel too fat.

I am not even overweight. My BMI is 22 and I am more muscular than most. That said, I would still be in a perfectly healthy range at my previous and more comfortable weight of 140-145.

But why, oh why does it seems so much harder to get there?

I don;t know what was going on with me. I was mad at Jim for the stupidest things all night.

We went to see Crossfire and found they weren’t even playing because I screwed up and misread the schedule.

I ate a mini cheeseburger with fruit at our friend’s house, then nibbled on beer bread. Then we went home where I had an egg sandwich, a TON of greenbeans, some Morning Star Veggie bites, two vodka tonics, and a hot pocket. Yuck. I don’t even like hot pockets. And Jim and I usually have such a wonderful time doing these kinds of things together. Too bad I was so grouchy.

Ugh.

Although I know I’ll feel like cr*p the whole time.

I almost always get sick right when I’m starting to make real progress in the gym. I think I over do it a little and my immune system drops a little. But I usually fall out of my program in response to that.

And there is this feeling that tells me to lie in bed. And to eat lots of comfort foods. Is it instinct or am I just a good excuse for ending the discomfort of hard work and dietetic restraint?

I think it’s the former. So now that I have a cold I am going to continue to workout and to resrict my eating even if I’m sailing at half mast.

When I worked at J**** C***g women would come into my office with 7 or 8 lb weight gains and say “I was sick. I had the flu.” And I would think, “Puhleez, call it what it is for heaven’s sake. You had a seven day binge”. After all, they would have to eat 28,000 calories beyond their needs (which if you are significantly over weightcan be 3,000 or more calories every day) in order to gain that much weight in that amount of time.

And I think, “How do they let it get that out of control? I could never let that happen.” But I realize that is a lie I tell myself. I can pack in a lot of calories during a binge. I make the exact same type of excuses. I credit the fact that I have never gained that much weight to the fact that I have lots of muscle mass from years of weight training. And that I was raised eating fruits and veggies and will binge on carrots. And that foods like donuts or cereal makes me sick.

The point I am trying to make is that the difference between me and my 300 pound ex client is not a matter of willpower, self control, virtue or anything of that nature. I am guilty of all of the behavior that got her to where she is.

I just have better habits and have created better circumstances. That’s what weight control comes down to. It is a skill and not a virtue. It takes practice, perseverance and positive thinking. And my least favorite…TIME.

So I’m off to the gym with my sick, 151.8 lb. self. I think it’s a chest/tricep day.

I ate a salad and half of a slice. Not that big of a deal. Except that I am irritated at the moment. Irritated with Jim, especially. We are going to watch Muppets in Space and I am going to wish for a glass of wine but probably not have one.

I just feel disatisfied with myself. And that manifests in feeling disatisifed with my appearance. And that feeling is what holds me back.